At any point in time, there are millions of people trying something new for the first time.
There are also millions of hopeful people who want to try something new, but due to social anxiety and fear of being judged, are afraid to go to the gym.
For those going to the gym for the first time, they’re worried about looking like these cute pandas:
As a recovering highly self-conscious individual with a crippling need to be liked, I’ve done a lot of work on overcoming social anxiety and my fear of being judged.
After forty years on this planet, I’ve finally come to the conclusion that:
“Nobody is thinking about me nearly as much as I think.”
The trick is … often it can feel like the exact opposite when we do new things. Like everyone is watching or judging you. It’s called the Spotlight Effect, and it’s the silent killer of many nerds who want to level up their lives.
What is the Spotlight Effect?
In the year 2000…
Thomas Gilovich, Victoria Husted Medvec, Kenneth Savitsky conducted a study in which participants were given either a neutral T-shirt or an embarrassing T-shirt to wear. They were then told to go mingle in a group of strangers.
Afterward, the researchers asked the strangers at the event questions about the subjects and asked them to recall what was on the shirts of people at the event.
The result: everybody wearing the embarrassing t-shirt SEVERELY overestimated what everybody thought about them.
In a different study, participants in a group setting were asked to share what they thought everybody believed about their positive or negative statements.
The result: participants, once again, severely overestimated what others thought about those positive and negative responses.
Why do we shine the spotlight on ourselves?
Our brains tell us that we are the “center of the universe:”
Our brains are using “anchoring and adjustment:” if we’re in our own heads and focused on ourselves and a task…our brains tell us that everybody else must be focused on US too! We don’t stop and think “hey maybe their brains are doing the same thing and focusing on themselves?”
Our brains are also overindexing on a “false consensus”: because we are busy judging ourselves, we assume everybody else is judging us too. Nope. They’re busy judging themselves.
Our brains are using the “illusion of transparency”: we assume that because we’re anxious, everybody else can see right through us, to our every core, and they also can tell just how anxious we are. The reality? Nope. Just like we can’t read other people’s minds or state, they can’t read ours either!
However, just KNOWing about The Spotlight Effect only helps a bit.
What do we actually do about it so that it stops holding us prisoner?
Because I’m a nice guy and I like you, here are some actionable steps you can take.
How to Overcome the Spotlight Effect
NOTICE AND NAME – Call out exactly how you are feeling in the moment. Example: “I am feeling anxious about doing this thing!” By putting some distance between us and the feeling, we can remember the study that nobody is thinking about us. We can pause, and think about how little we are thinking about everybody else out there…that’s how little they are thinking of us.
REFRAME IT – anxiety and excitement affect the same chemicals in our brain, which means we can choose to start reframing anxiety as excitement: “I’m doing something that has me excited, which means I care about this thing. How lucky is that!?”
I’ve had to do this reframe for a specific thing when the spotlight is DEFINITELY on me:
Public Speaking! Public speaking makes me want to throw up. Every time. I get so anxious that it ruins my life for WEEKS leading up to talks. So, I’ve reframed my anxiety as excitement. “How amazing is it that people want to hear what I have to say!?”
I also have to remind myself to slow down and have fun, which is why I wrote this on my hand before going on stage before one talk (notice both the words starting to run because of sweat, and my deadlift callouses!)
EXPOSURE THERAPY – If you’re anxious about working out in public, consider going to the gym but doing something you feel safe or comfortable doing. Maybe it’s just walking on a treadmill for the first week. or sitting in the lobby and reading your Kindle.
Once you feel comfortable doing that activity, you can then work your way up to using some machines you’re familiar with. And then eventually, tackle the big challenges like the free weight section.
(I cover step-by-step strategies to start going to the gym over on Nerd Fitness with our free Gym Guide!)
RECRUIT HELP – A long time ago, I had a goal of busking on a street corner, inspired by the opening scene with Glen Hansard in Once. I chickened out for years. When I moved to NYC in 2015, I was talking with a friend about how I had been so scared to busk but it was a goal of mine to do some day
So, she said “What about now? Like RIGHT NOW.”
Gulp. We walked out of my apartment, to Union Square (one of the busiest sections of NYC), and I played a five song set.
Guess what happened?
Literally nothing! Nobody cared.
I think maybe one person stopped and listened for a second. This was probably the 87th weirdest thing a New Yorker saw that day. This helped remind me that people are too busy thinking about themselves to think about me. But I needed some help.
We work with a lot of Coaching Clients, and help them push just outside of their comfort zone. They know they’re not alone, and they have somebody rooting for them. This is often enough to get people to try something new.
LET THE HATERS HATE: I spend my life on the internet, and I share my writing and ideas with a wide audience of people, knowing that many people will have negative opinions on what I’m doing.
I’m not gonna lie, this paralyzed me from really putting myself out there for a number of years (probably from 2018-2022). I stumbled across a quote that has been instrumental in reminding me to focus on helping people that want to be helped:
“If you wouldn’t take their advice, don’t take their criticism.”
Some people don’t respect boundaries, and some people will be glad to tell you how you should live your life because they can’t help themselves.
Feel free to ignore whatever it is they’re telling you, because they’ve already moved on to judging or offering unsolicited help to somebody else.
TRUST YOUR GUT: Although the spotlight effect is real, I also know some people suck and make the gym an unsafe space for some people due to their own insecurities or assholery. Please seek out management if you encounter or see anything like this in the gym!
Personally, if I see ANYBODY at the gym, no matter their age, shape, or size, I am proud of them for being there.
How would you act differently if you believed nobody cared?
Many years ago, I met Joni Grant at our second Camp Nerd Fitness. She told me how she had paid her deposit to come the year before, but got too scared and backed out. She was afraid of what people would think, or how it would go.
(In Joseph Campbell’s “The Hero’s Journey,” this step is called the Refusal of the Call, so you’re in good company if this is you!)
But the following year, she decided to use 20 seconds of courage and make the trip.
At camp, she fell in love with strength training, hired a trainer, started competing in powerlifting competition, and she now works as a full time trainer, helping folks get started with strength training?
Not bad for a Gramma in her 60s!
I caught up with my friend Lindsay Miller last week (we talked about my TOP SECRET BOOK-SHAPED-PROJECT I can’t talk about yet), and we talked about doing hard things.
She told me about how she had embraced a mantra of having “the courage to be seen trying.”
We often don’t want to look foolish and this can be enough to keep us from trying something new. Of course, the only way we ever get good at anything is to start by sucking at that thing!
If we’re going to level up our lives, we must not be afraid to be seen trying.
We’ll definitely learn something.
And it might change our lives.
Let this be the “nudge out of the door.” Try ONE thing this week that you’re worried about how others will view you while doing it.
Good luck.
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