For the first two years of high school, I was a short, skinny, acne-prone, braces-wearing, unsure kid, desperate for puberty to kick in.

By junior year, the braces came off and I had grown about 10 inches! Though, I still felt like that same skinny, acne-prone, unsure kid.

So when I got cut from the basketball team (mostly because I sucked at basketball), I decided it was because I wasn’t strong enough and set out to fix that.

I joined the one gym in my small town of Sandwich, MA, as a means to an end: to build enough muscle so that I could make the basketball team the following year.

What I found instead was a life-changing activity I’d be doing for the rest of my life.

It was also the first step down the path to my weird-ass career.

Internal motivation over external validation: when the “means” become the “end”

Although I went to the gym for an extrinsic (external) goal of making the basketball team, I quickly fell in love with strength training, even though I didn’t really know what I was doing.

I saw the numbers going up, I made new friends, I got hooked on how I felt while I was there. The gym was something I looked forward to. In fact, when the basketball season rolled around the next year, I didn’t even bother trying out. I just kept lifting.

I’ve now been strength training 3-4 times per week, every week, for the past 25 years.

While my goals while at the gym have changed, the idea of not strength training has never entered my mind.Exercise has been there through every relationship, every company reinvention, every world event, and every existential breakdown along the way.

The “means to an end” became the end.

I strength train so that I can keep strength training. Sure, it also comes with some great side effects (a longer life, more confidence, a place to make friends, etc). It’s also a privilege to be able to move and pick up heavy stuff. I hope I am still deadlifting and doing pull-ups into my 90s.

I’ve also found myself on a similar journey with writing.

I didn’t major in writing. I never wrote for fun. I wrote essays and term papers, usually the night before they were due, but writing wasn’t a lifelong passion.

I never had a childhood dream of being a writer or author. It just kind of happened.

Back in 2007, the idea for Nerd Fitness popped into my head. I had no idea what to do with this, other than “nerds get fit” + “Steve makes enough money to live a fun life.”

Initially, writing was a means to that end. I planned to write blog posts so that I could sell my fitness services. But then I found people like Chris Guillebeau , who wrote and made a really fun living online.

Chris also inspired my around-the-world adventure:

But a funny thing happened.

When I wrote about my curiosity and interests, something clicked. I fell in love with writing. I spent a decade writing two massive essays per week, built an audience of 1.5 million monthly visitors, and far exceeded any goal I had for “Steve writes and gets to live a fun life.”

And then the desire for external validation crept back in.

I had accidentally built a big team to manage the different parts of Nerd Fitness, all of which were reliant on my writing. Eventually, I felt like I had to write about health and fitness, to cover the payroll of the big team, to justify my goal of growing a company.

I was chasing an end goal that wasn’t me, with a strategy I wasn’t enjoying, and that took away the fun parts of my own job. I had sucked all the fun and curiosity out of my writing.

After a few years of banging my head against the wall, I took some pretty drastic steps.

I demoted myself, and then fired myself. I got back to chasing my curiosity. It led to a revival of this newsletter and eventually a book contract that I spent the last three years writing.

This has solidified something really deep for me:

Like strength training, writing has become the means to an end and the end itself. I write so that I can keep writing. It’s magic to me.

I write to become a better writer.

My interests will always change, but I hope I’m still writing every Monday until I’m 95.

External validation strikes back: “The ends” with the wrong “means”

I wish I could then say, “And Steve, the nerdy strong philosopher, lived happily ever after, spending the rest of his days deadlifting and writing essays and playing video games.”

Unfortunately, I’ve recently made the same exact mistake three times, all at the same time.

Right now, the internet is kind of like Thunderdome: Millions of companies with billions of dollars and creators with massive teams are vying for your limited attention, one short-form video and social media post at a time.

Also, there are some nerds who do not have billions of dollars or large teams who are also vying for your attention. I just waved awkwardly at you through my computer.

(The fact that you’re taking time out of your day to read this essay is amazing, so thank you. Also I like those shoes you’re wearing. Let’s be friends.)

Authors these days can’t just write books and then collect royalty checks. Fewer people than ever are reading books, there are more exciting forms of entertainment on our phones at all times, and short-form video is unbelievably addictive.

Which means most of us authors can’t just write. We also have to do all the other things kinda related to writing. It’s like that amazing joke from the late comedian Mitch Hedberg:

“When you’re… a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. ‘All right, you’re a stand-up comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script?’ That’s not fair.

That’s like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I’m a really good cook, they’d say, ‘OK, you’re a cook. Can you farm?’”

We authors must be where the people are, creating content for people on all the platforms, and competing with people who LOVE those platforms.

We are now social media creators, and video editors, and public speakers.

And last fall, as I saw what every other author was doing, I told myself I had to be like them to make my book a success:

• Build a YouTube Channel
• Grow my Instagram page
• Get booked as a public speaker

You might be thinking, “Steve, haven’t you tried this many times before in the past? This seems like a lot for one person to do. Also, do you LIKE doing these things?”

(If that’s what you were thinking, I’m really impressed.)

I saw each situation as a means to an end. I told myself: “I think I need this reward, so I’m willing to endure these three paths I don’t enjoy until I can stop doing them.”

And almost immediately, my insecure, overachieving brain kicked in.

I started panicking that I wasn’t growing faster on Youtube AND Instagram AND magically somehow loving the idea of becoming a public speaker.

Not only that, but I was trying to do all of this, competing against people who LOVE and are VERY GOOD at these things, all at the same time, while having less time to do the one activity I love, writing?

All in the hopes I can eventually STOP doing those things?

Not my best plan.

Fortunately, I treated each platform like an experiment, and here are the results:

YOUTUBE: I got through making a bunch of videos, with me doing the scripting, filming, and editing myself.

Here’s what I learned: I don’t enjoy making videos where I sit alone talking into a camera. Future videos will most likely be different.

PUBLIC SPEAKING: Recently, I started working with some friends to help me turn my upcoming book into a talk I could deliver on stage.

Here’s what I learned: I really don’t enjoy giving solo prepared talks on stages. I do better with somebody to riff with, so my time on stage will be far more conversational.

SOCIAL MEDIA: I started making short-form videos and studying popular trends. I even had a post go VIRAL (50,000 likes instead of my normal 200).

Here’s what I learned: I don’t enjoy spending more time than I have to on Social Media. My brain cannot handle it.

I’m trying again (heyo!), but trying again differently.

I’m reassessing where my time goes outside of my writing, and how I can find new people who my enjoy my book and my writing. I enjoy Threads because it’s text-first.

I am new to Substack but I have enjoyed connecting with other writers there.

This all feels like a better long-term strategy than forcing myself to do more stuff I don’t enjoy, even if other best-selling authors are doing those things very successfully.

Of course, it might result in fewer books sold (in the short term), but my hope my career is long and this is just the first book of many to come!

I am going to play the long game. My goal is then to pick things where the reward is that I get to keep doing them, not that I have to keep doing them.

If this works, the reward is that you GET to keep doing it

When we pick a specific activity we don’t like in expectation of a certain goal, we’re playing with fire.

1. We’ll probably give up before reaching the reward.
2. If the end result isn’t what we expected, we spent months/years doing an activity we don’t enjoy.
3. If we get the reward, we probably have to keep doing the activity to keep getting the reward.

Seriously. If ANY of my goals/strategies worked above…the end result would have been “You have to keep doing the thing you don’t enjoy doing!” And that’s if it WORKED!

Life is (hopefully) long, and my life as a writer hopefully lasts for decades. The only reason I got this far is because I love what I do. It allowed me to double down on my strengths and get better, which made me stand out in a crowded field.

Asking “what if this works?” when we’re trying to figure out how to be healthier and happier too.

Here’s what most people do, and it breaks my heart:

They pick a type of exercise they don’t enjoy, and keep doing it, solely with the goal of reaching a society-defined number on the scale. They think exercise must be hard, and un-fun, and end with them in a puddle on the floor or it doesn’t count.

They’re miserable the entire time. They think “if this is what it takes to get healthy, I’m out.” They either burn out before reaching their goal, or they reach the goal, stop what they’re doing, and end up back where they started.

Our health and how we eat is a lifelong journey, so we have to find ways to find joy or fulfillment along the way.

Fortunately I’ve seen the other path happen for so many people.

I’ve heard hundreds of stories from people who experimented with different types of exercise until they found one that worked for them. The best replies always go something like this: “I don’t know how it happened, but I love exercise now!”

• Maybe it’s going to the gym and getting stronger.
• Maybe it’s the community they found at the running or dance club.
• Maybe it’s live-action role playing, hikes with dogs, biking, long walks, etc.
• Maybe it’s the satisfaction having finished a race or participated in a tournament.

They probably started with an external “goal” (lose weight, get healthier) but the activity itself (“I wonder what my body is capable of!”) became the internal reward. The means to an end becomes the end.

That’s where decades of sustained, enjoyable progress can happen.

Do you have a fun story of a “I started a thing to chase a goal, but ended up falling in love with the thing independent of the goal!”

It could be for fitness, a creative pursuit, your job, etc.

Also, if you were honest with yourself, what’s something you’re only doing because you think you should?

If you knew you might never get “the reward” at the end, would you keep doing that thing for another decade?

How would it change your approach?

Feel free to comment publicly over on Substack, or hit reply on this email!

How to Try Again Corner – Taking My Own Medicine

We are 2 months away from How to Try Again hitting bookshelves around the world. Mid-June! Ahhhh! Loud noises!

I just got my first official review from Publisher’s Weekly, who called it a “down to earth guide” and had the following nice thing to say:

“Enlivened with plenty of personal anecdotes and a solid dose of self-deprecating humor, it’s an upbeat invitation to start afresh.”

(I really did crank up the humor, which is why I had to read the audiobook myself.)

I have a lot more announcements, fun pre-order bonuses, and awesomeness that I’ll be announcing in the coming weeks.

Many people have asked me what my goals are for my book:

If I allow myself to step back, I’ve already reached every goal “young Steve” would have had with a book. I got paid to write a book that will soon be on bookshelves all over the world.

I did it.

I hope it helps people, first and foremost.

I’ll be spending the rest of my life talking about this book, and promoting the heck out of it. If I sell enough copies that I can make my living as a writer? Even better. I can then get to work on the next book!

You can pre-order your own copy of How to Try Again wherever books are sold (and get to read the first 2 chapters immediately)

I’ve sent out a newsletter nearly every Monday for 17 years. Here’s to the next 17 and beyond.

-Steve