Ever looked at a photo from a bygone era and wondered what it would be like to live in that moment?

Congratulations, you experienced something called “anemoia.”

It’s kind of like nostalgia. 

But it’s nostalgia for a life we never got to experience ourselves, so our imaginations fill in the gaps, usually with just the good parts.

Here’s how author John Koenig defines “anemoia,” a word he coined in his book, The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows:

“Looking at old photos, it’s hard not to feel a kind of wanderlust. A pang of nostalgia, for an era you never lived through. 

Longing to step through the frame into a world of black and white, if only to sit on the side of the road and watch the locals passing by.”

I’ve thought a lot about anemoia lately, and how it’s actually a better description for looking backward, whether it’s our past or somebody else’s.

After all, most of us fondly remember parts of our own past without realizing we’re remembering an idealized version of it.

And doing so is robbing us of a much-needed reality check.

Let me explain.

Nostalgia for a life we’ve never known

When you read the definition of Anemoia above, you might have thought about something like renaissance Italy or the “Roaring 20s” or ancient Rome.

Gen Z writer Freya India thought about anemoia for a much more recent time period: the 90s. 

In her essay, “A time we never knew”, she laments that she and her fellow Gen-Z members never got to experience life as a teenager in the 80s and 90s.

This was an interesting read for me because I was a (young) teenager at the end of the 90s.

I attended public high school (shout out Sandwich High School) in 1999, just like this YouTube video:

My first thought was “yes, life was totally better in the 90s”:

Before social media turned everything into content (like nostalgia) and turned everybody into a “content creator.”

Before we became “receivers of memory” for every horrible thing every day in every part of the world.

And most importantly, when the music was better! Collective soul! Third Eye Blind! Biggie and Tupac! Nirvana!

There’s just one big problem with my reasoning.

That’s not why life was better in the 90s!

My brain had remembered a lot of life I hadn’t actually lived.

Nostalgia for our own past life WE never lived

The 90s weren’t better because of the lack of social media.

The 90s weren’t better because of the music. 

The 90s were better because I was 14.

I had no responsibilities other than school, sports, and being a part-time busboy! Oh, and trying to land the highest scoring trick in the Warehouse level in Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater on Nintendo 64.

There’s another funny part about nostalgia that we all conveniently forget:

For a lot of those high school years, I couldn’t wait to grow up!

I put unreal pressure on myself to get straight As, be a part of every club, play all the sports, and check every box possible.

I placed overwhelming importance on the fact I had nobody to kiss on New Years Eve when the world was about to end with Y2K. (Ha!)

I struggled with acne, social anxiety, and personal insecurities. 

I still have those things, but I had them then, too.

Yeah, I had a lot of fun with friends playing Mario Tennis and Goldeneye, but I also remember thinking whatever problem I had was the most important problem ever.

You might not have been a teenager in the 90s, I bet you can relate to feeling nostalgia for your youth or formative years, the “good ole days:”

When the music was better (studies show every generation thinks the music from their youth was the best!).

Maybe it was when you were twenty, broke, and living with your college friends.

Maybe before you took on more responsibility at work. 

Maybe those days before you had kids (yes I know you love them! But also maybe you occasionally miss those Saturday mornings with no responsibilities?)

Nostalgia can be fun and enjoyable, but it has to come with a caveat:

We remember “the good ole days” so fondly because we’re taking our brain today, with all of its knowledge and experience gained over the years since, and projecting it back into a version of us that didn’t know any of what was to come.

So, we’re not really being nostalgic as much as we are practicing  “anemoia” when we long for our past.

Of course, those events certainly happened.

But how we interpret the past now compared to how we actually lived them are two different things.

If we can be honest with ourselves, life back then wasn’t blissful and problem-free. Life was still full of problems. Different problems. But still problems nonetheless.

Problems that were all-encompassing and very important at the time, even if we laugh about them now.

We didn’t know what we didn’t know!

To quote Bob Seger, “Wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then.” 

Problems that had us longing to be in another time and place! 

Healthy nostalgia: appreciate the past, live in the now 

I was recently thinking about how much fun I had in college, but also lamented that I hadn’t taken the opportunity to study philosophy…

Only to eventually remember I had taken a philosophy class!

And I hated it and got nothing out of it. 

Only now, can I actually appreciate philosophy and learn the lessons I need to get from it. 

This reminded me of a delightfully depressing quote from philosopher Will Durant: 

“The tragedy of life is that it gives us wisdom only when it has stolen youth.” 

When I get nostalgic, I politely remind myself that what I’m really experiencing is “anemoia.”

I don’t get to take my brain now and put it back into Past Steve. I needed decades of life to have the perspective I now have. That’s what makes life special.

So I do my best to remember, as best as I can, the whole story with “Yes And” nuance:

Yes, I look back fondly on the early days of Nerd Fitness and blogging. AND I also remind myself that I was sleep deprived and worked 80-hour weeks, and constantly worried about being able to afford rent the next month. 

Yes, I was much stronger in my late 20s when strength training was the most important thing in the world to me.  AND I remind myself how great it is that strength training isn’t the most important thing in the world to me anymore. 

Yes I also remind myself of how great today could seem to Future Me! AND there will come a time when I will look back on this day, sitting in this coffee shop and think of it as “the good ole days.”

We must remember the past isn’t set in stone.

Let’s keep this in mind as we compare a romanticized, idealized past, ours or otherwise, with whatever chaotic life we currently live today.

Despite what our brains tell us, we had plenty of problems during the “good ole days” and didn’t know “how good we had it!” One day, we might long for the problems we have today.

The only constant in life is change.

So, if today is the only life we can actually live, let’s focus on today’s problems without the added pressure of comparing them to a non-existent past, which was a different version of us dealing with different problems.

I want to know about your relationship with nostalgia and anemoia: 

What’s something from the past you’ve longed for, and how much of that nostalgia (or anemoia) is conveniently neglecting how you actually felt back then?

Is there some part of your current life you can be appreciative of, even with everything going on (I just gestured wildly in every direction) and remember you might look back on today with nostalgia?

Hit reply and let me know.

Anyways, I hope you have a great day today, the good ole days!

-Steve