One time, I tried to win at meditating.
I know, I know. It sounds funny now, but at the time it made complete sense!
I assumed there was an end goal, a specific state of mind I would achieve if I sat down each day for a certain amount of time.
My only goal was to reach nirvana, or enlightenment, or whatever, because I assumed this would solve all of my problems, and I would look like this:
Comically, after six months of trying to “win” at meditating, I missed a single day, and then didn’t try again for another six years!
I had the wrong goal with the wrong mindset the entire time. Oops! No wonder I bailed as soon as I missed a day.
A few years ago, I embarked again on building the habit of meditation, but with a completely different mindset.
Because I can’t help myself, I’m going to use Dungeons & Dragons to help me explain what changed…
D&D explained in 3 minutes
If you’ve ever watched Daredevil on Disney (or Netflix), you’re familiar with Deborah Ann Woll (who plays Karen Page) and Jon Bernthal (who plays the Punisher).
Deborah was recently on Bernthal’s podcast, where he sheepishly admitted he had never played Dungeons & Dragons.
In 3 minutes, Deborah does an unbelievable job of explaining it:
(Don’t worry if you’ve never played either! This clip is STILL for you).
In case you can’t watch the video, Deborah says,“Do you want to play D&D? Like, right now?”
Jon is a good sport, and Deborah expertly guides him through his first scenario encountering an Owlbear while explaining the mechanics of how the game would work for him.
The whole video will put a huge smile on your face, but there’s two parts I want to draw your attention to.
Jon asks why he can’t just give himself excellent stats in every category (intelligence, strength, combat, history, perception, etc.):
Jon: “So is it in your interest to, like, not be great at everything?”
Deborah: “You want flaws. One of my friends Tommy played the character Viros, and the idea was that he had been pampered his whole life…
He’s actually not that funny and not that handsome, he had just been sheltered…
He would fail constantly, and part of his story throughout the campaign was him learning that he wasn’t as charming as he thought he was!”
This puts Jon’s brain in an absolute pretzel. He then asks the question that any D&D newbie probably asks:
Jon: “But is the goal to win?”
Deborah: “No.”
Jon: “What’s the goal?”
Deborah: “The goal is to tell a great story.”
She then explains there are narrative arcs and bad guys and it’s a great opportunity to practice being a hero, but I just loved that “lightbulb” moment here.
The point isn’t to win, it’s to tell a great story
We cannot control many of the things that happen in our day, but we can decide what story we tell ourselves about those things.
Maybe your story is quite negative, catastrophic, or judgmental.
That it’s your fault.
That you’re behind.
That you’re not enough.
Or maybe you’re the opposite. Maybe the voice in your head tries to protect you by saying nothing is your fault.
That you are who you are and everybody else must change.
That you’re always right and the world is always wrong.
If we have the courage, we can simply decide our old story is no longer serving us.
We can look at the low points of today as the beginning of our future redemption arc.
We can look at the things that went wrong as lessons to learn from.
We can look at the things we’re afraid of as a helpful teacher.
Maybe, if we realize our life story or our daily actions are neverending, we can stop rushing to try and “win” and instead find a way to enjoy the story along the way.
I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to sprint to the finish line.
I wanted to build muscle as quickly as possible so that I could stop. I wanted to grow Nerd Fitness quickly so that I could “win” and then slow down. I wanted to meditate until I “won.” I wanted to get better at golf so that I could then shoot even par and then let myself enjoy it.
It took me 40 years on this earth to realize that winning isn’t often the goal in most of these scenarios.
After all, many of the “win” scenarios above aren’t actually in my control.
Or, in the instance of meditation and golf, solely focusing on “winning” was probably the very thing that would ensure I would never reach that goal.
Instead, I changed the story I tell myself (which is still an ongoing struggle!).
Instead of trying to “win” at building muscle as quickly as possible, I focused on how my workouts made me feel, how I could eat for my goals most of the time sustainably, and how I could narrow my focus to just enjoying the journey.
Similarly, I changed my story around meditation. By meditating without a goal except “sit down and focus on my breathing”, I’m learning to be present, to let go, to enjoy the activity for the activity itself:
It’s 10-15 minutes a day when I can put down all my future anxieties and past ruminations and “not good enough” feelings and “not fast enough” expectations.
I can just be here, now.
Interestingly, developing this awareness is helping me think about the thoughts that jump into my head whenever anything good or bad happens. It gives me a chance to pause and then decide what story I want to tell myself instead.
Whats the story you’re telling yourself right now?
Is there a part of your life where you’ve been overly obsessed with “winning,” where what you actually need is to “let go” and enjoy the story?
How can you take ONE tiny step today to show yourself that you’re focused on the story instead of the end goal?
I hope your D&D adventure today goes well!
-Steve
PS: I’d be honored if you shared this with one fellow broken bowl in your life, simply send them this link:
PPS: Hat tip to my friend Matt Bodnar, who sent this D&D clip my way. Matt was also my dungeon master when I played D&D for the first time!