What’s the lie you tell yourself?

We all do it. The thing we say is important to us. Or why we’re doing something. But deep down, we know we’re not being honest with ourselves.

And as the late physicist Richard Feynman once said, “The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool.”

I’ve been reading The Good Life, by Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz, who are stewards of the famous Harvard Study of Adult Development.

This study started in 1938 and has tracked hundreds of people and their spouses, kids, and their grandkids, etc. over 80+ years.  

There was one story in this book that I couldn’t stop thinking about.

The Family Man Who Lied to Himself

Sterling Ainsley graduated from Harvard in 1944 and served in the Navy during World War II. 

He married, moved to Montana, and had three children.

Still married 40+ years later, Sterling was interviewed in 1986 and shared how proud he was of his family. 

He said his kids were “the most important thing in his life.” 

He bragged about how one daughter owned a framing shop, his son was a carpenter, and his youngest daughter was a cellist for an orchestra in Naples, Italy.

Unfortunately, Sterling’s story didn’t match up with reality:

• He was still married, but his wife lived ninety miles away in Bozeman, they hadn’t slept in the same room in fifteen years, and rarely spoke to each other. 
• He never divorced because he didn’t want to “do that to the children,” though his kids were grown adults with kids of their own. 
• His daughter invited him to visit her in Italy, but he declined, even though he’ been learning Italian specifically for this purpose. He said he “didn’t want to be a burden.”
• His son lived just a few hours away, but they hadn’t seen each other in more than a year. 
• When asked about his grandkids…he said he’d “not gotten involved with them.”
• He hadn’t spoken to his sister Rosalie in 20+ years, a sister he gushed about in previous study interviews when he was younger. He asked the interviewer if she was still alive.
• When asked about friends or former coworkers, his reply was the same. He never saw them.

My heart broke reading this section.

This poor man said he valued family above all else, but a deeper look at his behavior said the opposite.

As the authors explained, “[Ainsley] seemed to prefer to keep his relationships with [his kids] thriving mostly in his imagination.” 

It continues:  

“…putting a positive spin on every matter and then pushing it out of his mind made it possible for him to believe that nothing was wrong, that he was fine, he was happy, his kids didn’t need him.”

This story has haunted me ever since I read it.

It made me reflect on my personal self-lies. It made me ask where my behavior is the opposite of what I say my priorities are. 

It made me realize that we all lie to ourselves far more often than we care to admit, because admitting the truth is painful!

The Lies I told Myself

Last year, I attended a small retreat with a group of authors. 

One friend shared a number of questions that he likes to ask himself regularly to snap himself out of autopilot. Here’s my favorite:

“If somebody observed you for the next 72 hours, and they couldn’t talk to you, only observe your behavior…what would they say your priorities are?”

Reflecting back my rollercoaster year in  2024, I thought a lot about some lies I used to tell myself (and have worked hard on):

LIE #1: “I need to suffer in silence with my failures, I don’t want to be a burden or share my struggles.” 

LIE #2: “People that bring me to life are the most important thing to me.”

For Lie #1, I finally shared my challenges here on this newsletter, and I could feel the burden lifted (and the support I received was OVERWHELMING). 

I’m glad I waited to share “from the scar not the wound” (shout out to whoever came up with this phrase first), but I also had been hiding from the world for more than a few years.

I’ve started putting “more Steve” out into the world in 2025, and there’s more to come.

For Lie #2, Like everyone, I always said friends and family and community are the most important thing…but this was not always true.

I now try to say yes to as many invites as possible, the opposite of how I lived for many years prior. 

For example, I changed plans to spend a few extra weeks in Massachusetts with my family after my Gramma passed away.

This current week is a full of “yesses” focused on friends and experiences:

I drove down to the Vandy-Alabama game on Saturday with my college friends:

Although it didn’t go our way this year, it was fun to see 100,000 Alabama fans stay nervous for 3.5 quarters, and so enjoyable to now have a legitimately good team that can hang with the best.

I’m now in Atlanta for a small creator conference, and then I’m off to North Carolina to play in a fun golf event! 

I’m sure there are other white lies my brain tells me, and I’ll get to those in due time.

I’m doing my best to sit with my thoughts, even the uncomfortable ones, and ask what lessons life is trying to teach me.

Your Turn: How Are You Lying to Yourself?

There’s a sense of relief that comes when we stop lying to ourselves. 

When we finally say “Based on my behavior, this is what’s actually important to me now.” Maybe you are really focused on your career, or fitness isn’t a priority, or you’re tired of chasing “success.”

Maybe it’s okay that you finally admit these things to yourself and stop pretending.

There’s an absolutely amazing scene in season 5 of Breaking Bad…

*SPOILER WARNING FOR THIS 12+ YEAR OLD SERIES!*

After years of saying “I’m only doing this for my FAMILY!” Walter White finally admits to his wife: “I did it for me. I liked it.”

*END SPOILER*

Only once we stop lying to ourselves can we then decide what to do about it:

Sometimes, the next step is to accept the truth and make peace with it.

Other times, the next step is to start acting differently.

-Steve