“Oh crap, that’s me too!”

This weekend I was on a road trip, listening to “Watch Out For Fireballs,” a gamesclub podcast hosted by Kaye and Gary (it’s like a “book club”, but for retro video games).

A listener had emailed in about something Kaye said she struggled with: “kindness is for other people, but not for me.”

The listener shared: 

“In my day job, I’m a manager and I’m always telling people to take breaks, not push themselves too hard, and so on…

But then for myself, I see any tiredness or sickness, physical or mental, as weakness and tell myself to buck up.

How are you all at extending these beliefs to yourself?”

Both Gary and Kaye just started laughing, sharing “yep, I’m terrible at this!” Then jokingly started beating themselves up for not being kinder to themselves.

I was nodding my head and laughing through this whole part.

As somebody who also prides himself on being kind to others, giving people the benefit of the doubt, and trying to help people not be so hard on themselves…

I used to have quite the brutal inner critic too.

I held myself to an impossible standard, judged myself harshly for any mistakes, and expected perfection.

I know. It’s really fun in my head sometimes.

Fortunately, I learned about a strategy and framework many years ago that has helped quite a bit since then, even though it’s always a work in progress.

Self-Compassion

Kristen Neff PHD is the author of Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.

I assumed this would be a book from a psychologist about the power of positive thinking. My guard was up before I flipped to the first page. 

Fortunately, I was wrong.

In it, Neff shares her challenging past full of some fairly serious transgressions, and how she’s learned to forgive herself and move forward with healthier coping strategies. Neff’s experience was so powerful, she dedicated her life and research to helping others develop this skill.

It turns out self-compassion is NOT “letting ourselves off the hook,” nor is it delusional thinking. 

Instead, it’s choosing to accept our situation with curiosity, not judgment.

It’s also seeing clearly how our behavior isn’t congruent with our values.

She specifically mentions people who work hard to extend kindness to others, and then do nothing but punish themselves for the smallest mistakes:

“If you are continually judging and criticizing yourself while trying to be kind to others, you are drawing artificial boundaries and distinctions that only lead to feelings of separation and isolation.”

(You might be nodding your head right now and thinking, “crap, that’s me.”)

As Neff explains, we have to learn to put on our own oxygen mask before we can help others put theirs on.

Here’s a few tactics to consider.

How do you treat your friends?

We all know the “Golden rule,” right? Treat others the way you want to be treated.

The inverse of this is the “Silver rule” Don’t treat others the way you wouldn’t want to be treated.

I propose there’s a third rule:

The Platinum Rule: “Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend.” 

When our friend catastrophizes a situation or is struggling with problem, even if they were the one that screwed up, we know how to be kind and compassionate.

It’s what friends do for each other.

I realize this sounds cheesy as hell, but it can work to interrupt the thought patterns: treating ourselves like a friend.

Similarly, if we accept that our thoughts think themselves, that we don’t get to pick those thoughts…then we also get to choose which thoughts we actually choose to listen to.

We can notice and name our thoughts to add some distance and give us a chance to evaluate things more clearly.

Additionally, I’m a big fan of what Adam Grant once said that has helped me realize I wasn’t seeing things clearly:

“When multiple people believe in you, it’s probably time to believe them.”

Site of Grace

I’ll leave you with one final thought: I found Kaye and Gary’s podcast through the Dark Souls video game series, developed by FromSoftware.

They’re also the same developer who made the 2022 Game of the Year, Elden Ring.

(And yes, I did write an article about weight loss medication and Elden Ring.)

In Elden Ring, you are dropped into a world of horrible monsters around every corner who will kill you instantly. It’s sprawling, harrowing, dark, bleak (and so damn fun!);

However, scattered throughout the game are safe spots called “Sites of grace.”

There are often other travelers hanging out at these virtual bonfires, also taking a break from the devastation and fights to recover.

In a world of chaos, seeing a site of grace is a breath of fresh air, a moment of hope, a reminder that we’re still here and still trying.

Extending grace to ourselves is equally hopeful and courageous.

And as we know from musician Nick Cave, “Hope is the warrior emotion:”

Being kind to ourselves requires courage.

Treating ourselves like a friend in need is courageous.

Seeing life clearly is courageous.

-Steve

PS: If you know somebody who would also benefit from this essay, I’d appreciate it if you sent it their way!