I was raised by two loving parents and a Nintendo Entertainment System.
For the past 35 years, video games have played an outsized role in my life, providing more hours of entertainment than anything else.
(I’m currently hooked on Blue Prince, an amazing puzzle game that is up there with The Witness and Outer Wilds)
Unfortunately, there’s another type of game I’m horribly addicted to.
A game I’ve played for most of my adult life.
A game in which I’m an accidental participant.
A game that’s not even fun!
Fortunately I figured out how to “win,” but it requires a bit of backstory.
Notice and Name
Are you familiar with the concept of “notice and name?”
It’s when you identify and give a name to a specific thought pattern that might happen in your life.
It’s a foundational element of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (mental health for the win!) and a big part of most mindfulness practices.
When we notice and name things, it gives us a chance to interrupt the pattern and start to behave differently.
We’re big fans of “notice and name” in Nerd Fitness Coaching too, helping clients notice and name various mental hurdles they might encounter on their path to progress.
The goal is to notice our behavior when it happens, not judge ourselves for the thought itself, and give ourselves a fighting chance to break free from the loop:
- “I notice that when I get stressed, I crave unhealthy snacks and doomscroll on my phone. Time to research healthier stress reduction techniques!”
- “When I get overwhelmed at work, I lash out at my partner unnecessarily. I will apologize and reflect on what’s really going on here.”
- “When I miss a workout, I “over identify” with the situation and call myself a loser who can’t make progress! I know this is an unhelpful thought; I can have grace for myself and do the workout tomorrow!”
Still with me?
Cool.
I’ve been thinking a lot about “notice and name” lately when I stumbled across Adam Mastroiani’s “So you wanna de-bog yourself” about feeling stuck in life.
“Being stuck is the psychological equivalent of standing knee-deep in a fetid bog, bog in every direction, bog as far as the eye can see.
…Nothing works, no options seem good, it’s all bleh and meh and ho hum and no thanks and more bog.”
Mastroiani then shares all the clever ways his brain conspires to keep him “stuck in the bog,” each with a clever name:
For example, “waiting for jackpot:”
Sometimes when I’m stuck, someone will be like, “Why don’t you do [reasonable option]?” and I’ll go, “Hold on there, buddy! Don’t you see this option has downsides? Find me one with only upsides, and then we’ll talk!”
I’m “waiting for jackpot,” refusing to do anything until an option arises that dominates all other options on all dimensions.
Strangely, this never seems to happen.
Mastroiani shares a dozen ways his brain tries to trap him in the bog, from “gutterballing” (excelling, but in slightly the wrong direction) to “puppeteering” (trying to solve his problems by controlling the actions of other humans).
It’s deeply personable, humorous, and totally relatable.
He then explains why he gives humorous names to these thought patterns:
“It reminds me not to believe the biggest bog lie of all: that I’m stuck in a situation unlike any I, or anyone else, has ever seen before.
Whenever I think I’m in a bespoke bog, created just for me by a universe that hates me, if I can think to myself, ‘Oh, I’m gutterballing right now,’ I can feel my foot hit solid ground, and I can start hoisting myself onto dry land.”
When we feel “stuck” in life, it’s often not the result of something that happened, but rather how our brains interpret what happened.
If we can put some distance between ourselves and the behavior we keep noticing, it can give us a chance to see clearly what’s really happening and how to take action to get unstuck.
And one of those ways to help stop the behavior is to notice and name it, take away its power, and break free of the pattern.
Now that we have that context, let’s get back to the game my brain loves to play.
The “Always / Never” game.
When I feel stuck in the bog, it’s often because my brain has decided to play the “Always / Never” game.
Here’s how the “Always / Never” game works:
When I feel “stuck in the bog” and can’t seem to make progress, my brain will both catastrophize AND project for weeks into the future: “We will always be stuck and we’ll never get better at it! This is how things will be forever!”
As you’d expect, this makes it tough to feel optimistic enough to take action. After all, if things are “always!” or “never!” then what’s the point of trying to change it, right?
If you’re thinking, “Steve, that doesn’t sound like a fun game…” you’d be right!
Fortunately, I can usually recognize this game as it’s happening, and employ a few countermeasures:
- I remember the “Yes, And” principle: I tell myself, “YES, things might be tough now, AND here’s what I can do about it.” Nuance for the win!
- I embrace Wabi-sabi thinking: the only constant in life is change, and that means nothing good or bad lasts forever. “This too shall pass,” in other words!
- I tread water: When things feel overwhelming, I narrow my focus to the bare minimum to keep my head above water. It gives me space to decide what step to take next.
For example, I’ve spent the past year occasionally feeling “stuck” on a top secret project. My brain told me I would never solve it, and always struggle with it.
However, by reminding myself my brain was playing the “always / never” game with me, I could find solid ground, effectively deploy hope, and get unstuck through taking action.
Sure enough, after continuing to tread water and taking action, I eventually “unlocked” the progress my brain had told me would never come.
(It’s amazing how many problems can be overcome if I ignore the game my brain is playing long enough to just do ‘the thing’ I know will help.)
What “fun” game does YOUR brain play to keep you stuck?
Is there a name you can apply to your destructive thought to take away its power?
And once you recognize the game, what’s one action you can take to fight back?
-Steve