(I also recorded this essay over on my new YouTube channel)

I’m a sucker for captivating historical fiction. 

And earlier this year, I read a damn good one: 

Maggie O’Farrell’s Hamnet.

It imagines the life of William Shakespeare, his wife Agnes, and their children (Judith, Susanna, and Hamnet) as they navigate life in 16th century England. If you assume things don’t go great for the family of the man who wrote the world’s greatest tragedies, you’d be right.

(Not to spoil too much, but the book’s subtitle is “A novel of the plague.”)

It’s well written, heartwrenching, and emotionally devastating.

There’s one line in particular that has stuck with me ever since I read it. And last week, when I saw its faithful film adaptation at the Belcourt (shout out independent theaters!), I heard that same line uttered on screen.

This was me in the theater:

Like an avalanche, this essay tumbled into my mind right then and there. It was a combination of things bubbling beneath the service for months, and that one line somehow brought it all to life for me.

This is one of the more personal things I’ve written, but as you’ll see, that’s precisely why I had to write it.

If you’re wondering, “Steve! What the hell was the line?” 

This is what we in the business call a “cliffhanger” to get you to keep reading. 

But also, some context helps.

When fear makes the deciding vote

I’ve had a pretty interesting career as a full-time writer for fifteen years.

Thanks to a combination of hard work, good timing, unbelievable luck, and “insecure overachiever” syndrome, I created a pretty damn cool thing: Nerd Fitness.

It was the perfect lifehack for a moderately-introverted writer afraid of the spotlight.

I could write about non-controversial topics like push-ups and vegetables and running a 5k, and then sprinkle in my corny sense of humor.

And things just kind of worked: hundreds of millions of people searched for these things on Google, which sent tens of millions of visitors to NerdFitness.com, and enough of those people bought NF courses or services for me to make a living.

My accidental side-project somehow turned into a cool company with a supportive community and an amazing team with dozens of employees and team members. 

I’m REALLY proud of this.

For 12+ years, I felt like I was “getting away with it.”

(Of course, this is mostly my impostor syndrome showing: any level of success made me think “I now need to work even harder before they figure out I don’t really know what I’m doing!”).

In January of 2020, at a small retreat with writers and authors who I admire and respect, I shared something I had been thinking about for a while. 

We now bring Hamnet back into the picture, and the line that struck me.

Shakespeare is speaking with his brother-in-law, Bartholomew, who asks how he and Agnes ended up together:

“I have never really understood why my sister chose you, above all others. ‘What do you want to go marrying him for?’ I said to her. ‘What use is he?’” 

Bartholomew takes his crook and places it squarely between his feet. “You know what she said to me?” 

[William], standing straight as a reed now, arms folded, lips pressed together, shakes his head. “What did she say?” 

“That you had more hidden away inside you than anyone else she’d ever met.”

I’m certainly no Shakespeare. 

But I can relate to having a lot hidden away inside: a wellspring of creativity, enthusiasm, and joy that is banging on the door, desperate to see the daylight.

In fact, I think most of us have “more hidden away inside” of us than we share.

The parts of ourselves we hold back for fear of being seen, or because we don’t want to be a bother, or because we’re afraid of the reaction, or because we haven’t yet found a place to put that energy yet.

Personally, I felt like I had much more to share creatively with the world. 

Thoughts on the human condition, what it means to live a good life, and everything in between. I wanted to explore what it means to be a mortal human in our bizarre modern society. I wanted to put more “Steve” out there in different ways and challenge myself.

Then life changed.

We had the pandemic, Nerd Fitness doubled in size, so I spent two more years trying to be a less bad manager, “playing the hits,” and avoiding any creative risks.

But finally in 2023, I couldn’t take it anymore! I demoted myself twice in my own company and began work on a secret project (that I can finally talk about next month!).

And then life took a few left turns in 2024: the end of my marriage and the continued deterioration of the internet and search engines meant Nerd Fitness and I were at a crossroads.

Which is why I finally made the decision to separate “Steve the writer” and “Nerd Fitness.” I could take more creative risks (like this newsletter and YouTube) and also let Team Nerd Fitness level up too.

Unsurprisingly, this “scary decision” I had avoided for years ended up being one of the best things I’ve done for myself and for Nerd Fitness. It brought me back to life creatively, and reminded me how fun it is to just make stuff again.

It also helped me realize where I still have work to do.

For somebody that traveled solo around the world, started a business, and attempted plenty of hard things, there were still many areas of life where “fear” still won:

• Not asking for help for fear that I would be seen as a bother. 
• Not writing about certain topics out of fear of upsetting people. 
• Saying no to speaking engagements due to anxiety and stage-fright.
• Not saying hi to somebody who seems interesting for fear of rejection. 
• Anxiety around the future, even when so much of it is out of my control.

What a tragedy! 

Maybe not a Shakespearian tragedy, but a tragedy nonetheless.

So as the credits rolled on Hamnet, I sat in the theater reflecting on that line of “having more hidden away inside.”

A simple question popped into my head, and I thought about it my entire car ride home.

What would today look like if fear didn’t win?

When I woke up the next morning, I wrote the following sentence in my journal:

“What if fear didn’t cast the deciding vote today?” 

I asked myself how things would be different if fear didn’t win:

• What would I stop dragging my feet on?
• How would I show up differently in the world?
• What if I allowed myself to start ugly and be bad at things?

Fear is an understandable and perfectly human emotion.

It’s grounded in millennia of biology and four decades of learned experience. So, I can acknowledge when I feel it, and then still make my own decision on how best to proceed. It just doesn’t get to cast the deciding vote.

I’m gearing up for a really interesting 2026.

A year that has me both excited and terrified. A year whose outcome I can’t predict. A year that will require me to step into the spotlight and be a public advocate for my creative work in a way that makes me deeply uncomfortable. 

I have to tell strangers, “I made this, I hope you like it.” 

I have to shine a spotlight on my work in as many places as possible.

I have to be okay being bad at doing new things again, and trying new stuff.

And yet, I owe it to my work to be its biggest cheerleader. I owe it to myself to be the most “Steve” version of Steve possible, and find others who happen to resonate with what I’m putting out into the world.

I’m curious to see what life looks like when fear doesn’t get to cast the deciding vote.

Speaking of which, I’d love to hear from you:

• Is there something hidden away inside that probably deserves some sunlight?
• What would life look like today if fear didn’t get to cast the deciding vote?
• Would you allow yourself to take up more room or ask for help?

Whether it’s a project you would finally start or a conversation you would finally have, hit reply and let me know. I think we owe it to ourselves to see what happens when fear doesn’t get to cast the deciding vote.

Hit reply and let me know! I read every response.

Personally, I’m going to keep journaling each morning with this prompt, and see how the next few months go.

We can see what this looks like together.

-Steve

PS: I’ve also recorded this as a video essay today in my half-finished “studio,” which is a new experiment of mine! If you’re a youtube fan, please subscribe over there too!